Checkout Vigilante

By: Jedd Davis

Now that the supermarket strike is over here in Los Angeles, I’ve started grocery shopping like a normal person again. At least that’s what I thought. As it turns out, normal people no longer know how to pay for their groceries. Seems they picked up some strange checkout behavior at Savon or Rite Aid. Or maybe it’s all the weird organic food they’ve been eating from Whole Foods or Wild Oats. Whatever it is, boy is it disheartening.

To get everyone back on track, I’ve developed a shopping list (he he) of things to ponder on your way to the supermarket, before all the neatly stacked cans and shiny produce hypnotize you into thinking you’re really an idiot.

Don’t write checks

Forget exact change

If you are waiting in line, you probably know you are eventually going to have to pay the cashier (unless you’re that guy in LA who tried to sneakily stroll out of the supermarket with a cart full of food). Stop reading The Globe headlines about how Osama turned himself in to comfort his lover, Saddam, in prison, and get your cash or ATM card ready

Watch the cashier scan things in, so you don’t have to check your receipt to verify that you saved 12 cents on that can of tuna (if you’re over 55 or wearing those weird sunglass/eye shields, you are exempt from this, the rest of us will just have to suck it up)

Don’t talk on your cell phone. This way, you can guarantee that the last thing you think before you float up to heaven won’t be “I can’t believe it was a can of cranberry sauce to the temple.”

Of course, some blame has to rest with our democratic society that champions choice, and breeds technological innovation (and it’s wicked stepbrother, impatience). Surely technology killed the express lane. Back in the day, “under 12 items” could probably be covered with cash money. Now everyone is using ATM or credit cards so they can fly to Katmandu for free in 7 years (business class). That’s a bummer, so I have some suggestions for the supermarket industry, since I doubt people will adopt the above anytime soon.

Have a cash only lane. You can even combine it with the express lane – bonus!

Make a better machine to handle ATM or credit card payment. You zap everything else with that laser gun, surely you can just zap the back of my card

Cashiers should keep telling me to have a nice day; it always makes me feel like you really care.